Wanted: An assistant to a former A- celebrity, now D list celebrity who tried to make a comeback on a singing reality show. If you’re looking to be the assistant of such a talented person (is does take effort to drop from A to D), please read the necessary requirements for the position below:
1. Must have full knowledge of how to use a tape recorder. If you don’t know what a tape recorder is, because it’s 2011, please Google. Must carry said tape recorder on your person and use it at all times as this celebrity “doesn’t trust her own conversations.”
2. Must have extensive experience in research via television, TiVo and how to burn DVDs. You will be required to log any and all mentions of the celebrity, then will have to put them on a DVD so she can later fawn over herself and all her glory.
3. Must adhere to the appropriate adjectives when addressing or talking about this celebrity. She is only to be referred to as “warrior, survivor or gift.” Applicant must not question this requirement, as it’s clear that this celebrity is a gift to the world and should be treated as such at ALL TIMES.
4. Must be fully versed in email correspondence, as your job will entail going through this celebrity’s email and responding to both other staff members, as well as friends and family. Must also learn all family back stories, so as to convince grandma that it’s the celebrity writing back and not a lowly assistant.
5. Must have at least one dance routine memorized to any of the following “iconic” songs from the 1980′s: “Straight Up,” “Cold Hearted,” or “Opposites Attract.” If you have memorized the steps of the cartoon cat in the latter, that will be a plus.
6. Must be sensitive to all Charlie Sheen-related media coverage, as this celebrity was once part of his family. In no way, shape or form are Charlie Sheen jokes to be uttered in her presence.
7. Must own at least one pair of L.A. Gear sneakers in the color of your choosing.
Please note you will only be contacted if you meet all of the above requirements.
Thanks and good luck!
Photo: L.A. Gear ad