Rich, Successful Jennifer Aniston Finally Finds Life’s Purpose: She’s Engaged!

Once in a while, some major news breaks during the dog days of August. A vice presidential candidate is announced, for example. Or, even more earth-shattering, one of the most famous actresses in the world finally gets engaged OMG!!! Yes, it’s true: On Friday night, screenwriter and actor Justin Theroux proposed to Jennifer Aniston, she said yes, and most importantly, both of their PR people confirmed it to the media. Thus ends seven years of horrible singlehood for the successful, gorgeous, rich, hard-working actress who just couldn’t get a break in life because she wasn’t married.

That’s always been the strange thing about the Jennifer Aniston story as told by the tabloids: Brad Pitt dumped her for Angelina Jolie, which was probably no fun. But ever since then, the celebrity media has been trying to convince us that Aniston is in misery. She saves her old voicemails from Brad. She rubs her “lonely and sad womb.” “Pregnant Jennifer Aniston is terrified that she’ll end up alone again.” You get the idea.

Meanwhile, Aniston is a millionaire household name who, even if she quit acting today, will be remembered for decades for her starring role on one of America’s most beloved sitcoms. In the show’s final two seasons, she made $1 million an episode, and has made at least $11 million so far this year, according to Forbes. She’s won an Emmy and a Golden Globe. She’s acted in hit big-budget comedies and earned indie cred by starring in “Office Space” and “The Good Girl” (which were both legitimately good! Also recommended: “Friends With Money.”)

In other words, Jennifer Aniston has a pretty enviable career. She also has a bangin’ bod, enduring friendships, and a dating history littered with hot and successful men. But despite her constant declarations of happiness, the tabloid narrative has always been that she has a man-shaped hole in her life. The implication is obviously that no woman could be happy with only money, fame, and success.

Well, good news, tabloids, she finally triumphed over incredible adversity and found a man to marry her! Now, will she manage to tie the knot before Brad and Angelina?

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