TLC, a network that should have changed its name four or five years ago, offered us a glimpse into the lives of “trophy wives” last night. Armed with my best friend and a chocolate martini, I sat down and really tried to focus on what I knew would be an important learning experience in my life. Secrets of a Trophy Wife did not disappoint. I now feel fully educated and prepared to embark on the journey to becoming a trophy wife myself, a lifelong desire of mine. I’m just sorry I wasted so much time, energy, and money on a college education when all I needed was this prime-time special to set me on the correct path.
For anyone out there who feels as I do, please sit back and absorb the lessons to be learned from the likes of Simona, Leyla, Jennifer, and Paula.
1.) Nose jobs and boob jobs are NOT optional.
If you want to snag a middle-aged bachelor with a receding hairline and mega millions, you can’t expect them to love your original honker. It’s probably “too Italian” like Jen felt hers was, or at the very least, not minuscule enough to set your entire face into an asymmetrical mess. Top that off with a nice pair of hard, bolt-on boobs and you’re all set.
2.) That goes for lip plumping too.
If your kisser doesn’t resemble that of a bloated sea bass corpse, then you’re doing it wrong.
3.) Proper style means finding a balance between Kelly Kapowski and Peg Bundy.
Off-the-shoulder skintight neon dresses, big feathered bangs, obnoxious makeup, and anything that resembles the 90s is back and better than ever. Your older husband needs daily reminders of the decade in which he peaked.