Esquire‘s February cover story with Megan Fox is a doozy. Ritual sacrifice, pagan dreams, leprechauns — there is a whole heckuva lot going on, most of which is simply too good and/or absurd to miss. Because we know that you are very busy and important and simply do not have the time to read a five page long Esquire interview with the hottie from Transformers, we have collected the tastiest morsels for you to shake your head/fist at.
1. Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec…
Phone call between Stephen Marche and his editor:Stephen, we love the piece. Yes, we do; it’s great! It’s going to be on the cover — aw, don’t thank us, thank yourself. I mean, the intro where you talk about human sacrifice with Megan Fox? That’s money, baby! Money! We can’t get over it! Heck, we don’t want to! We want to build a house under it and start a family there! But here’s the thing: our readers aren’t big time journalists like you; we’re not sure that they know all these fancy writing devices like you do. You talk about ancient Mexico, the feast of Toxcatl, a ritual sacrifice, and Megan’s name is right there…sure, sure, ‘it’s a metaphor,’ but…is it? You see what we’re saying? …Yeah, so, just write ‘Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec’ right there at the beginning. Cool. Much clearer. Talk to you later. Love you.”
2. “I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times”
I don’t know what happened to Megan Fox during her pregnancy but she has gotten real weird. For most of the interview, Fox is either reminiscing about her happy-go-lucky childhood days in the Pentecostal Church, where she would speak in tongues, or waxing philosophic about the kind of mythical creatures that once populated Goosebumps novels. Perhaps the actress is so exhausted of being written off as “the hottie from Transformers” that she’d rather be “the hottie fromTransformers who is now totally crazy.” I wish I was a graduating high school senior because Fox provides so many choice options for a yearbook quote: “What distracts me from my reality is Bigfoot”; “We should all believe in leprechauns”; “I am childlike in my spirit.”
3. She’s much more comfortable talking about the Antichrist than her career.
Isn’t everyone? Whenever I go on a job interview and I’m asked my long-term goals or I’m at a cocktail party, starting conversations with friends of friends, or my close-talking Uncle corners me during a holiday party and starts asking me what I plan on doing with my life after this whole “writing thing” has run its course I lean forward, resumé/wine spritzer/drumstick in hand, and say, quietly, “‘For many deceiver are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.’ John 2:7.”
4. The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.
It’s almost as if you can hear the author’s heavy breathing from here. As loony as Megan Fox comes off in this interview, it pales in comparison to Stephen Marche’s boner for her. This is a feature-length Xanga entry. Sure, Megan Fox has made a career out of being extraordinarily good looking, but so have a lot of men; no professional reporter would ever write something this creepy about Ashton Kutcher.
5. And women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field.
Are you seriously trying to tell me that these women are “perfectly plain?” And you think that Hollywood’s intensely unrealistic beauty standards have disappeared? Well that must be why we have so many full-figured women of color reaching stratospheric levels of fame! Stephen March I am on to your troll game.
6. “Today, unfettered sexual beauty is an impediment. To be serious and respected, it is better to be homely or cute.”
O Stephen, how brave of you to stand up for what’s right, to fight for the most maligned and oppressed peoples in Hollywood: the beautiful people. It is such a relief that someone finally recognizes that no one takes the beautiful Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Naomi Watts, and Anne Hathaway seriously. Well, I mean, unless you count being nominated for Oscars as a sign of being taken seriously. And is this railing against the hindrance that is “unfettered sexual beauty” coming from the same guy who just dedicated an entire paragraph to discussing the many flawless parts of Megan Fox’s flawless face instead of talking about, you know, her talent or her movie or even how much she loves her dog?
7. “American movies expressed that great fusion of sex and art, too. They are magnificent pagan dreams, utterly profane and glorious.”
…I honestly don’t even know what “pagan dreams” are.