Winona Ryder (allegedly) did something (indisputably) humiliating at a party this week. Her gain is our pain: This is the perfect excuse to remind ourselves not to keep earnestly touting our professional accomplishments years after the fact. Yes, women need to speak up for ourselves and be our own advocates, Sheryl Sandberg-style. But surely we can do it without being tools.
Here’s the painful anecdote, reported by Page Six from a party celebrating the new movie The Iceman, which Ryder appears in:
The actress was heard telling a guest at the bash at Soho House that she received a 1600 on her SATs and could have gone to Harvard, but instead chose to shoot cult classic “Heathers.”
OUCH. If that actually happened — and it was in the New York Post, so obviously it did — it is so awkward that I can feel the reverberations days later in a completely different state. I am literally grimacing.
I hereby propose a statute of limitations on bragging about one’s past scholastic and professional achievements. Here are the new rules for how long you’re allowed to keep bragging about stuff at parties:
School accomplishments, eg “I got a 1600 on my SATs!”: 1 year
Anything school-related at all, really: 18 months after graduation max, no excuses
Routine professional accomplishments, eg “I got a promotion!”: 1 year
Major professional accomplishments, eg “I was on the team that helped cure bragatosis!“: 5 years
Major accomplishment, mentioned in an offhand way, eg “When I was Secretary of State, I ate a Cholupa at least once a week”: Lifetime license; never, ever stop